Tag: Satire

Local Youth Annihilates Candy Crush Record During Stake Dance

 

UMATILLA, Ore. – Newly ordained Priest Timothy Sterling, or as his fellow quorum members refer to him, “The GOAT“, totally smashed his Candy Crush record during Saturday night’s stake dance, sources say.

Chaperones report that while most youth sat awkwardly in the dimly lit cultural hall tapping their feet to Mambo #5 and staring nervously at the nearest member of the opposite gender, Sterling gallantly slipped into the foyer and set out to achieve something greater.

“I haven’t beaten my record for two years,” Sterling said, “so when Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On came on I knew what I had to do.”

But Sterling’s journey was not without obstacles. “There are 13 Laurels in the ward and only 3 Priests,” Young Women’s president Jennifer Fanning said, “so naturally Tim had to reject several offers to dance before breaking his record.”

After years of lessons on how to deal with adversity, Sterling says turning the young women down came naturally. “It’s not an easy thing to do, but it just comes down to priorities. I just had to suck it up, be a man and stick to my guns – or thumbs, I guess,” he said.

But Sterling was not the only youth avoiding the basketball-court-turned-dance-floor. Sources report that youth were discovered hiding out en masse throughout the building, including a certain Nick Snell who spent the duration of the stake dance sitting on the floor of the men’s bathroom.

 

 

This article is just satire (except that part about Nick), but to all the youth out there reading this, in the words of Sister Lee Ann Womack:

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.

POLL: Does This Beard-Growing Newly-Released Bishop Still Have a Testimony?

KENNEWICK, Wa. – Newly-released Bishop Garth Shumway of Kennewick Central Ward is growing a beard, sources say.

After five service-filled faithful years some ward members are discouraged by Shumway’s freshly furry face. Many are beginning to doubt his integrity, asking themselves if his ruggedly handsome beard is external evidence of his internally crumbling testimony?

We at The Sunday Pews invite the public to make an analysis of the testimony and facial hair in question, and to judge Shumway through the poll below:

 

Is Bishop Shumway falling off the deep end? Let us know your thoughts in the comments section.

 

Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

 

SCRANTON, Penn. – A local emeritus deacon’s quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Parents of 14-year-old Dustin Taylor deny the allegations, saying the accusations are groundless and “flippin’ ridiculous”.

Ward members disagree.

“What kind of 14-year-old casually uses the word ‘theologian’?” one ward member said. “Dustin couldn’t even pronounce it, and we’re supposed to believe he wrote it? I don’t think so.”

When The Sunday Pews confronted Brother and Sister Taylor about the unusually advanced diction, Brother Taylor responded:

“Yeah but did you hear how he ended the talk? He said, ‘I weawy weawy wove the gospow’. That’s obviously kid-level language and totally compensates for any advanced language you’d expect from a modern theologian,” he said.

Bishop Matthew Sandler is reviewing the case. Dustin, if found guilty, could face up to one mild-mannered warning to try not to forget next time.

The ward clerk has submitted several other suspicious phrases to the bishop as evidence, including:

“…subsequent diaspora…”

“…penultimate dispensation…”

and “…then say you love your parents a lot and eat this paper so no one will find it.”

 

 

This satirical article will probably hit close to home for some parents, but isn’t it just amazing that kids as young as 12 years old teach entire congregations throughout this worldwide Church every week? That’s crazy awesome!

Local Brother “Wasn’t Planning on Bearing His Testimony Today”

BLUFFDALE, Utah – A local brother was the subject of several eye-rolls Sunday after claiming he “wasn’t planning on bearing his testimony,” but subsequently did, sources say.

While members agree that it’s not their place to judge, they say their exasperation fell under the category of righteous judgement as the brother read the words “I wasn’t planning on bearing my testimony today” from a printed sheet of paper he took from his pocket at the pulpit.

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The testimony a local brother wasn’t planning on bearing (above).

The brother, who has a history of commenting every 15 seconds in Sunday School, continued his testimony with a ten-minute impressively detailed “impromptu” allegory regarding the spiritual significance of mold.

Sources say the brother even took two blocks of cheese out of his jacket pockets, one fresh and one moldy, to illustrate his point to the congregation.

Members say that curious smiles from the bishopric prompted the brother to nonchalantly explain that he “always carries cheese in his jacket”.

The brother reportedly closed his remarks with a brief travelogue, thankimony and uncomfortably detailed description of a recent rash.

 

This article is just satire, but remember that sharing your testimony with others is essential to your spiritual health. There’s nothing wrong with sharing it regularly (in fact, you should) as long as it’s sincere. Don’t let your testimony become moldy.

Local Mom Proud, Relieved After Earning Son’s Eagle Scout Rank for Him

OMAHA, Neb – After years of blood, sweat and knots, 46-year-old Dana Peters has finally earned her 17¾-year-old son’s Eagle Scout award.

“It’s been a long and difficult journey,” Peters said at her son’s Eagle Court of Honor. “There were moments when I just didn’t know if I was up to the task, but [my son] Justin’s lack of motivation and desire to progress really kept me going. And now I can’t believe it’s over.”

As made evident by Dana’s tearful speech, earning the rank of Eagle Scout is knot easy. According to the Boy Scouts of America, requirements include:

  • Being an active troop member for 6 months as a Life Scout.
  • Earning 21 merit badges.
  • Planning and effectuating an Eagle Project (community service project).

Dana has ticked all of the boxes. “Most of the merit badges were a cinch. Family Life, First Aid and Cooking all came pretty naturally. The Eagle Project stretched me to my limits, though,” she said.

Sources report that Dana’s Eagle Project for her son was aimed at removing garbage from a local nature trail – a project her son said was “easy enough”. Dana soon discovered that the trail had recently been the subject of another mother’s Eagle Project and was, in fact, already clean.

“I had already filled out the paperwork and gotten the project approved,” she said, “so on the morning of the project I just had to go back to the trail, throw a bunch of trash all over the place and transplant a few weeds so Justin would have something to pick up.”

Dana Peters currently resides at her home in Omaha with her husband and three other sons who have also shown an unprecedented lack of motivation to progress through the Scouting program.

 

 

This article is satire, but for more real information on BSA and why the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints encourages young men to participate in it, click here.

Carpet Cleaners Mistakenly Wash Meetinghouse Walls

UTAH COUNTY – Sources report that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is currently facing a multi-million dollar carpet maintenance bill after a local cleaning company erroneously washed the carpeted floors and carpeted walls of every meetinghouse in Utah County.

The Sunday Pews has reached out to the Church for comment on why so many of their meetinghouse walls are partially carpeted. A Church spokesman replied to our queries.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” the spokesman said, “by all accounts people think we Mormons are weird enough without having carpet on our walls.”

While the Church will be forced to foot the bill, many members are grateful for the mix-up. Ward Clerks across the county report that weekly rug burns caused by wall carpeting are down 83 percent.

 

 

The walls may be carpeted, but what happens inside Latter-day Saint meetinghouses is much more important. Having a place to congregate with friends and family to learn and teach each other about our Heavenly Father is an immense blessing that we members often take for granted. Cherish those half-carpeted walls!

 

Church Announces New Primary Session of General Conference

SALT LAKE CITY – A spokesman from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today the addition of a new session of General Conference specific to Primary-aged children.

Immediately after the announcement the Church released details about the upcoming session, which included the anticipated schedule for the two-hour meeting. What follows is an excerpt from that release:

“All children ages three through eleven are welcome at the session. Considering the unique nature of such a young audience, the Church feels that the Primary Session should be as accommodating to the children’s needs as possible.

As such, the session will take place on Saturday, April 1st at a time when most younger children are awake anyway – 5:30 to 7:30 AM. Children that plan on attending the live session should be dropped off by their parents outside the Conference Center at least 30 minutes before the session begins. Tickets are required.

General Authorities and leaders of the Church will address the youth as they do in traditional sessions, but messages will address age-appropriate topics such as reverence, prayer and the often misunderstood relationship between popcorn and apricot trees.

A brief nap time will take place in lieu of the intermediate musical number, after which the General Officers of the Church will lead the children in a brief rendition of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ to help get their wiggles out, and the children’s too.”

 

Additional Resources:

The Church has produced three exclusive coloring sheets for each child in attendance (available for download online) that illustrate various scripture stories including timeless scenes from 2 Kings 2: 23-24.

 

 

This article is just satire (it’s NOT true) but in all reality, General Conference is just around the corner. Are you ready? Everyone prepares a little differently, but we invite you to view Conference with specific personal questions in mind. As you listen with pure intent, you’ll find answers to those questions, but don’t just take our word for it.

Utahns to be Chastened With 40 Years of Road Work

STATE OF UTAH – Sources close to upper leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints report that a new pestilence is upon the land of Zion – 40 years of incessant, unforgiving road work.

Utahns statewide have been quick to repent in an effort to end the construction before it intensifies, but according to alleged prophecy from the Utah Department of Transportation and Brother J. Bieber, “It’s too late now to say sorry.”

But many Utahns are unsure exactly what to be sorry for.

“It could be anything,” one Provo resident said. “Maybe it’s the fry sauce. The amount of fry sauce I consume is definitely not in accordance with the Word of Wisdom.”

“University Avenue looks like it’s been through a meat grinder,” another resident said. “It’s a nightmare of biblical proportions. Traffic, early-morning noise, chaos and destruction everywhere. Send the flies. Send the frogs. Send the Jehovah’s Witnesses for all I care – anything but construction. My testimony just can’t handle it.”

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The Sunday Pews is receiving updates on the pestilence daily. A family in Sandy reported waking up to traffic cones blocking every exit to their house this morning, and a vest-clad traffic director standing in their bathroom policing the toilet with a ‘Stop/Slow’ sign.

While some Utahns of the older generation may not live to see a land without traffic cones and high-visibility vests, their hope for the youth shines bright.

“We’ve made our decisions,” Lehi resident and respected physician Benjamin Brooks, 71, said, “and now we’re suffering the consequences. It was only a matter of time. It’s too late for us, but my grandchildren will see the promised land.”

 

Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

SALT LAKE CITY – In an effort to encourage brethren to complete their Home Teaching, an official press release by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints confirms that a new ‘rollover visits’ policy is effective immediately.

Similar to ‘rollover minutes’ in many cell phone plans, ‘rollover visits’ allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

For example, if Brother Smith were to visit his assigned members 12 times in January, he could report one hundred percent Home Teaching for the whole year, according to the policy change outlined in Handbook 2: Administering the Church, section 7.4.5.

Brother Smith would then be free to use his time for more important things, like watching football and harassing his wife about her abnormally large collections of small porcelain elephants.

While reactions from members have been mixed, Elders Quorum President Dale Granger says he’s embracing the change. 

“A lot of brethren just can’t seem to complete their Home Teaching,” he says. “I hear the same totally valid excuses every month: ‘I just had a lot going on this month.’ ‘Our schedules just didn’t match up.’ ‘Sorry dude I totally forgot [after remembering on 16 different occasions and doing nothing].’ Hopefully this policy encourages a change.”

In a subsequent press conference which you can watch here, the Church also primed the public for additional upcoming changes, including a detailed revision of what counts as a Home Teaching ‘visit’. Sources say the bar may be lowered all the way down to a “meaningful nod from across the chapel”.

 

 

All joking aside, check out this great talk about Home Teaching from 1997 by President Thomas S. Monson – he tells a cute story about starlings and the ethics of shooting them. You’ll like it.