‘Uh Sorry, Where Are We?’ Says Brother in Gospel Doctrine When Asked to Read

NEPHI, Utah—An 11-readers-long scripture snake was abruptly halted today after one brother was caught “off-guard” when it came to his turn to read.

Sources seated behind the man report that while he was attempting to give off the impression that he was diligently following along, he was actually scrolling through funny cat memes.

When confronted by The Sunday Pews about his lack of preparation to read, the man claimed his Gospel Library app simply crashed. When confronted with the information from the witnesses, his story changed and he admitted to the aforementioned meme browsing.

Experts agree that cat memery is one of the leading causes of distraction at church.

Emeritus third Sunday Gospel Doctrine teacher Stanley Wilkinson says it’s a sad case he’s seen all too often over his five years of on-and-off experience.

“Frankly I don’t understand it. The teacher clearly says ‘OK let’s just read one verse at a time and snake around the room like this’ *insert curvy hand gesture*. This guy today watched eleven other people read before it was his turn and somehow he wasn’t prepared,” Wilkinson said. “Cat memes or not, there’s simply no excuse for it.”

Brigham Young University professor and expert on sociosundayschool dynamics Frederick Hans says that since the rise of smartphones back in the 2010s, lack of participatory awareness has increased by 79-percent in the United States.

“It’s a growing epidemic in the Church,” Hans said, “and obviously one of Satan’s more subtle tactics. The flaxen cord of cat memery is not only addictive, but contagious. It’s a slippery slope, and one that threatens to stagnate Gospel Doctrine classes worldwide. In time, faithful members may be forced to find other means of spiritual nourishment, like the Family History class. And let’s be honest, nobody wants to end up there.”

 

---

 

This article is just satire, but seriously, distracting cell phone usage is a problem in Sunday School. I’m as guilty as any other members, but let’s all just try a little harder next week to pay a little more attention. #Blessed.

Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

SALT LAKE CITY – In an effort to encourage brethren to complete their Home Teaching, an official press release by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints confirms that a new ‘rollover visits’ policy is effective immediately.

Similar to ‘rollover minutes’ in many cell phone plans, ‘rollover visits’ allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

For example, if Brother Smith were to visit his assigned members 12 times in January, he could report one hundred percent Home Teaching for the whole year, according to the policy change outlined in Handbook 2: Administering the Church, section 7.4.5.

Brother Smith would then be free to use his time for more important things, like watching football and harassing his wife about her abnormally large collections of small porcelain elephants.

While reactions from members have been mixed, Elders Quorum President Dale Granger says he’s embracing the change. 

“A lot of brethren just can’t seem to complete their Home Teaching,” he says. “I hear the same totally valid excuses every month: ‘I just had a lot going on this month.’ ‘Our schedules just didn’t match up.’ ‘Sorry dude I totally forgot [after remembering on 16 different occasions and doing nothing].’ Hopefully this policy encourages a change.”

In a subsequent press conference which you can watch here, the Church also primed the public for additional upcoming changes, including a detailed revision of what counts as a Home Teaching ‘visit’. Sources say the bar may be lowered all the way down to a “meaningful nod from across the chapel”.

 

---

 

All joking aside, check out this great talk about Home Teaching from 1997 by President Thomas S. Monson – he tells a cute story about starlings and the ethics of shooting them. You’ll like it.

YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

REXBURG, Idaho – Rexburg YSA 3,759th Ward Elders Quorum President Jake Hunt recently reorganized Home Teaching assignments, assigning himself to the three “most beautiful, eligible sisters in the ward,” sources say.

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it “contrived, selfish and just totally not cool”. President Hunt did not publicly address the Elders’ concerns but The Sunday Pews’ onsite affiliate was able to coordinate an exclusive interview. What follows is a transcript from that interview.

TSP: “President Hunt, some members of your quorum find it suspicious that the individual in charge of making Home Teaching assignments just happens to be assigned to teach the most eligible bachelorettes in the ward. How do you respond?”

President Hunt: “Yes, my counselors have mentioned these suspicions to me, and they’re completely baseless. There is no evidence to support that this assignment was not made through inspiration and I’m blown away by the thought that my own quorum members would suggest that this is some kind of shrewd yet highly sophisticated ploy to find an eternal companion. Laughable.”

TSP: “So you deny the allegations?”

President Hunt: “With every fiber of my being.”

TSP: “What process did you go through to come to your decision?”

President Hunt: “I did what every Elders Quorum President does. I found a quiet place to ponder over the ward menu- uh, directory, and just felt very strongly that I should be responsible for these specific totally average-looking sisters.”

TSP: “And what role did your counselors play in the decision-making process?”

President Hunt: “…Well they’re really busy, final exams are coming up and all, so I didn’t want to bother them with making these few assignment changes.”

TSP: “How many other assignment changes did you make?”

President Hunt: “Next question, please.”

TSP: “Who is your companion?”

President Hunt: “Don’t need one.”

TSP: “How old are you?”

President Hunt: “Twenty-seven.”

TSP: “You’re a student, correct? When do you graduate?”

President Hunt: “Correct. I graduate this coming month.”

TSP: “From which university?”

President Hunt: “BYU – Idaho.”

TSP: “And you claim that your new assignment has nothing to do with finding an eternal companion?”

President Hunt: “Nohoho *pained laugh*. I love being single. I’ve been single my whole life! It’s really my favorite thing to be. I mean, if one of these sisters became particularly charmed by the flowers and Old Spice scented cards I regularly leave them and fell madly in love with me… I mean, who am I to deny them? But that dream- eh, possibility, was never a factor in making this decision.”

[End of transcript]

 

President Hunt continued, saying the fact that his parents have been breathing down his neck about marriage for the past six years coupled with frequent comments about the likelihood of his younger brother marrying first have nothing to do with the decision.

 

 

 

---

We members are only human and sometimes we do ridiculous things, but the gospel is true. Learn more about it here.