Latter-day Saint Super-Fans Tailgating General Conference Days in Advance

SALT LAKE CITY—Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from around the world gather every six months to hear inspiring messages from the religion’s leaders. The next “General Conference” is slated for next weekend, but anxious members are getting a jump on the festivities by tailgating right inside the Conference Center parking lot located just across from Salt Lake City’s historic Temple Square.

The Hill family and the George family, who are neighbors, are tailgating the event a full week in advance. They pass the time “taking Jello shots” and blasting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s greatest hits through their minivan sound systems.

“What else do we do? We talk about our favorite plays from the last conference and speculate about what the prophet might throw at us next week,” Brother George said, sporting dark argyle socks with a well-worn pair of sandals. “President Nelson is the heart and soul of this team. I mean, retiring the Home Teaching program six months ago was just a masterstroke, real Hall of Fame type stuff. I’ve always been a fan of the Church, but it’s that kind of stuff that gets me off the couch and hollering at the TV. I love it.”

Brother Hill, who became a fan of the Church back in 2014 after reading and praying about The Book of Mormon, predicts that the next six-month season is going to be rewarding for fans worldwide. “We’ve got a great 15-man team put together this season who just seem to be reinventing the game. The coach has really been mixing things up lately and the team just executes exceptionally well,” he said, cracking open a caffeinated Root Beer from a well-stocked cooler. “If they get out there and give it their all, leave it all at the pulpit, playing it one talk at a time, I think we’re going to witness some really great stuff out there this weekend.”

But the Hills and Georges are far from the only people to be exhibiting behavior some more conservative members may consider unorthodox. Hundreds of individuals and families pack the Conference Center grounds and parking lots, waiting for the conference to begin. Many already half-dressed in their “Sunday best.”

One man, Brother Hanson, says he tailgates by day, but starting Monday night he’s planning on setting up camp, literally, outside the Conference Center entrance. “Rumor has it that this is going to be a historic conference,” he said, “and I want to make sure I get a good seat.”

When our TSP on-site reporter met Brother Hanson, he was basking over a propane grill, cooking funeral potatoes, wearing nothing but black slacks and the letters “CTR” painted on his chest. “Yeah, I guess you could call me a super-fan,” Hanson said. “Potatoes?”

General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints kicks off on Saturday, October 6, at 10 AM, MDT.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

For those that need to be told, this article is satirical. Nobody is tailgating General Conference … yet.

 

 

Photo via Flickr user “Wayne Hsieh.”

 

LDS Church Reveals First New Addition to Green Hymnal

SALT LAKE CITY—On June 18, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints announced that we’d all soon see significant changes to the standard green LDS hymnal as well as the children’s songbook. As promised, some of those changes are already rolling out. Just this morning the Church released a sneak peek at the first new addition.

Press Release

News camerasThe Church’s department of public relations published a press release today stating that, “The first new hymn the brethren decided to add to the next iteration of the hymnal was really a no-brainer. Out of all the submissions we’ve received, this song’s moving lyrics and spiritual overtones quickly raised it to the top of the short list.

“It motivates us to stop being, essentially, strangers to love, mirroring the Old Testament admonition to, ‘Love ye therefore the stranger.’ This new hymn also outlines quintessential values such as commitment, honesty, and emotional expression.”

Maybe the most surprising aspect of the new hymn is just how modern and popular it is even outside of the religious world. Written in 1987 by Mike Stock, Matt Aitken, and Pete Waterman, this song was originally categorize under the genre “blue-eyed soul.” Astoundingly, almost 450 million people have listened to the song on YouTube alone (see video below).

New Attitudinal Term

Photoshopped excerpt from the LDS Hymnal

Every current hymn in the green hymnal includes an instructional term under the title that helps the congregation understand the attitude with which to sing. Terms range from Triumphantly and Exultantly to Peacefully and Gently. According to Church sources, this new tune’s attitudinal term will be Persevering.

Check out the newest hymn right here:

 

LDS Hymnal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Consider yourself Rick-Rolled.

Drowsy Brother Leaves Sac. Mtg. Unaware of Nap-Induced Red Indent Across Forehead

TWIN FALLS, Idaho—According to witnesses, 31-year-old brother Jordan Schmidt of Hillcrest 3rd Ward groggily left Sunday’s sacrament meeting sporting a bright red indent across his forehead. Brother Schmidt allegedly continued through the next hour of Sunday School completely unaware of the blatant evidence of his sacramental napping.

Earlier today a Sunday Pews representative sat down with former High Priest Group Leader and expert on intra-sacramental somnolence, brother Harold Stevens, to learn the origin story of marks like these.

Wide image of church pews

“Individuals belonging to wards whose sacrament meetings begin early in the morning or in the midafternoon, as well as individuals who qualify for age-related discount menus at local restaurants, are especially susceptible to the classic pew mark,” he said. “When an overwhelming wave of sleepiness or boredom comes upon an individual in sacrament meeting, they will often rest their foreheads against the top of the pew in front of them. If the individual falls asleep in this position, the pressure of the pew naturally leaves a bright red indentation.”

Sister Barbara Sorenson, who delivered a 23-minute-long message in the meeting, noticed brother Schmidt’s mark soon after the invocation. “I’m an English literature teacher at the high school. We just went over The Scarlet Letter, a story about a woman forced to wear a scarlet badge as public evidence of the mistakes she’d made. It reminded me a lot of brother Schmidt, except he wore his scarlet letter on his forehead, and had no idea,” she said.

Another speaker, 16-year-old brother Daniel Forester, didn’t take the mark too seriously. “When I noticed it I sort of smiled and asked Jordan what he thought about what I had said about Lehi’s Dream in my talk,” he said. “Apparently it was his favorite part of the meeting—he said he’d never looked at that chapter that way before. …My talk was not about Lehi’s Dream.”

Despite knowing snickers from onlookers, brother Schmidt reportedly continued attending his Sunday meetings until the mark, the evidence of his premature Sunday nap, finally faded.

“It was a forgivable rookie mistake,” brother Stevens said. “Luckily he’ll never even know he committed it … unless he reads this. Everyone knows you’ve got to use the Hymnal to act as a buffer between your forehead and the blunt edge of the pew. That’s the only way to avoid the incriminating mark.”

 


 

This article is satirical, though I’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of naps during church once or twice. Thankfully, as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said back in 2017, “Church sleep is among the healthiest of all sleeps.”

March Madness Takes on New Meaning in Mormondom

LOGAN, Utah—While the attention of the nation has recently been drawn to the NCAA’s annual college championship, in carpeted cultural halls throughout the country, a similar showdown is taking place.

ball-1851129_1280
Church ball: A time for wards to come together to have the opportunity to develop Christ-like attributes.

Known informally as “Mormon March Madness,” the tournament saw its biggest upset in years on Thursday night when the Anchorage 2nd Ward Ammonites came out of nowhere to achieve a resounding victory against their opponents. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said a spokesman for the Spokane 3rd Ward Sheep Scatterers from his hospital wing, where he and his entire team lay in double-arm casts. “I’m still counting my blessings, though. We may have lost the game, but at least we weren’t…defeeted.”

Both the Louisville 2nd Ward Lamanites and the Los Angeles 19th Ward Lemuelites lost their matches against the New Orleans 1st Ward Nephites and their sister team, the Shreveport Sams, on the first day of the event. They’re still complaining about it three days later.

The San Francisco 12th Ward Shiz and the West Columbia 1st Ward Coriantumrs went into a record-breaking septuple overtime, with all the players fouling out except their captains. The captain for San Francisco went on to suffer a debilitating neck injury, leading West Columbia to win by default.

Many brackets are projecting the final faceoff to come down to the Houston 2000th Ward Helamans and the Gatlinburg 2nd Ward Ammorons. This would be the first match of its kind, as every player on Houston’s astounding team is technically still considered a youth. They received a team-wide waiver in order to play in the men’s tournament due to their incredible skill, which the players attribute to their “faithful mothers.” However, the Ammoron’s incredible stamina and their ability to run out the clock appears to be unbeatable.

The Harlem 2nd Ward Hagoths did not show up to the tournament and have been unreachable for comment.

 


Image of writers of this article.About the writers: Michael and Carolyn and their kids are a young family of Reese’-egg-loving goofballs. They both graduated in engineering, so their kids’ future nerdiness potential is pretty secure. Still, Carolyn keeps notes on her phone of the funny stuff Michael comes up with for the day he decides to trade his graphing calculator for a stand-up comedian’s mic. “Ain’t gonna happen,” says Michael. Carolyn’s opinion? Be prepared.  

Watching the Super Bowl on a Sunday? Local Brother Pretends to Wrestle Over “Tough” Decision

BRIGHAM CITY, Utah—Like any faithful Mormon, area brother Jason Harding attended his ward this morning. He sang the hymns, sat in quiet reverence and, when the bishop made his passive aggressive plug warning against watching the Super Bowl on a Sunday, Harding even pretended to listen.

“The bishop had some interesting points,” Harding said, “but let’s be honest, not watching the game has never really been an option.”

A recent poll shows that Harding isn’t alone in his decision. More than 78 percent of Mormons in the United States say they plan on watching the Super Bowl live on television.

Of 42,690 participants, 68 percent say watching the Super Bowl probably isn’t the best Sunday activity, “but heck, it’s the Super Bowl.”

That said, many members employ a variety of strategies to buffer the questionable Sunday activity. “Yes, we watch the Super Bowl, but we play MOTAB in the background,” one anonymous member said.

“In our family we try to find gospel principles within each play,” another member said.

“I take the Super Bowl as an opportunity to teach my young children about patience, composure and how to use use their inside voices,” one sister said. “I basically just tell them not to behave like their father.”

Many members say it’s not about football at all. “The Super Bowl doesn’t really count as ‘watching sports on Sunday’ because we’re really just there for the commercials,” one member said. “Nothing wrong with an occasional puppymonkeybaby.”

“Of course whether or not to watch the Super Bowl on Sunday is a personal decision,” Harding said. “The real concern for me is the halftime show. We all remember what happened last time brother Timberlake performed.”

 


This article is purely satirical. That said, making decisions about what is/isn’t appropriate to do on the Sabbath can be tough (like whether or not to watch the Super Bowl)! Here’s something that might help you out: Making a Sabbath Day Plan.

Missionary Mom Quickly Jumps to Conclusions When Weekly E-mail is Late

SANTAQUIN, Utah—”Get me the mission president’s contact information right now or I’m flying to Africa.”

That’s what Sister Susan Hemlock spat at her husband early this morning when her son’s email failed to arrive. What began as a disappointed frown quickly grew into a fit of frenzied motherly instinct.

Brother Jason Hemlock, Susan’s husband, says it’s a scenario that’s played out before and it’ll play out again. “He’s been in the field for eight months now. He’s now been late on three emails, which equates to three aneurysms from Susan.”

Brother Hemlock says there always turns out to be a good reason for the delays. “Downed internet, meetings with the mission president, technical malfunctions … there’s always a reason, but Susan can’t help but jump to conclusions,” he said.

“He’s dead, I just know it,” Sister Hemlock tearfully bleated. “I read online that Africa is replete with headhunters and disease and … and wild dogs crying out in the night. Don’t you tell me he’s fine—I’ve seen Lion. I know what things are like there. He’s probably been Shanghaid in the Sahara. He’ll probably be suffering for the rest of his life in a Sarlacc Pit. Jason! Get me chocolate.”

“Did she reference Lion? Yeah, she thinks that happened in Africa. It’s slightly offensive. Don’t quote her on that,” Brother Hemlock said.

Over the next seven hours, Sister Hemlock’s eyes were glued to her computer screen. She spent her time refreshing her emails, looking up flights, posting frantically to missionary mom Facebook groups and calling random hospitals in her son’s field of service.

Brother Hemlock spent that time watching football.


UPDATE: Elder Hemlock’s email didn’t arrive until the following P-day. By this time Sister Hemlock had sprouted 47 new gray hairs, lost twenty-three pounds and had drafted a touching obituary. She has given us permission to reprint an excerpt from his email home:

“Sorry about not writing last week. We only had a few minutes of P-day left and we ran into a Red Robin in the same mall as the internet cafe. We had to make choices. It was delicious. Hope you didn’t worry too much. Picture of burger attached.”

 

 

 


This article is satirical. The characters and story are invented, though the persona of the over-protective missionary mom is exceptionally close to the truth in some families. We love you, moms. Thanks for worrying.

 

BYU YSA Narrowly Evades Roommate and Girlfriend in Living Room

PROVO, Utah—Engineering student Steve Perkins is counting his blessings for the 74th consecutive night after quietly escaping from his four-man apartment through the kitchen window without an awkward encounter with his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend.

“It’s just uncomfortable,” Perkins said. “Every time they sense your presence there’s this sudden rustling on the couch. When you walk in they’re just sitting there like mannequins pretending not to have been making out two seconds earlier. They’re not fooling anybody.”

Perkins attributes the all-too-common scenario to Brigham Young University’s Honor Code, which prohibits the opposite gender from entering apartment bedrooms. “It’s a great rule,” Perkins said, “but it does force couples to camp out in the living room every single night. We single roommates are forced to live in the solitude of our rooms.”

The exit strategy

Man standing next to lake
Perkins says he escapes the awkward noises coming from his living room every evening and retreats to Utah Lake to contemplate his loneliness.

Perkins, who says he hasn’t  been out on a date since declaring his major three years ago, goes through the same trepidatious routine every evening to leave the apartment.

“The hall floor is extremely creaky, so I’ve learned to wedge myself between the walls above the ground and shimmy my way down the hallway.

“Once there, I reach around the corner with my universal remote and increase the volume on the TV. My roommate has been wanting to get a new one for months. He thinks it’s broken, but it’s just a distraction so I can slip into the kitchen.

“From there, I open our tiny kitchen window. I enrolled in a yoga class this semester specifically for the purpose of being able to contort my body into a shape small enough to fit through our kitchen window.

“We live on the third floor of my apartment building, so figuring out how to make it from the window to the ground took some thinking. An uncle of mine is a rock climber, so he let me borrow a harness and rope, which I keep on a Command hook outside the kitchen window. I use it to rappel down the side of my building.”

Our TSP reporter asked Perkins why he doesn’t simply change apartments. to which Perkins replied:

“Oh I’m not the only one who has to do this. There’s always one guy in every apartment who’s consistently in a relationship. Once that happens, there’s no reasoning with him. He’s checked out. It’s BYU, after all. It’s the animal kingdom out here; the African savanna of the West.”

In a survey of 5,046 random BYU students, 82 percent report feelings of awkwardness and discomfort when leaving their own apartment. Strangely, the other 18 percent of participants were involved in steady relationships.

The return trip

blinds
Many students are forced to peak through the blinds of their own apartments to verify that the coast is clear. The coast is seldom clear.

But the problem extends far beyond the initial escape from the apartment.

“Coming back home is almost worse,” one sophomore bachelor said. “You have to approach the front door carefully. You’d think that if the lights are off you’re probably safe—nobody home, right? Not so. Not. So. I try and peak through the windows to see if anyone is on the couch.

“There’s usually some movement. I have to back up from the door and re-approach as loudly as I can, laughing at nothing in particular. I take my time unlocking the door, making as many loud scratches as I can along the way.

“Without fail I open the door and there they are, sitting with perfect posture a foot away from each other looking like they both just rubbed sandpaper on their faces for the heck of it. Whatever.”

A larger issue

depressed girl

The survey also revealed that this problem affects the female student body just as much as their male counterparts. Diana Simmons, a microbiology major at BYU, says that despite her best efforts the living room shenanigans continue.

“I’ve accidentally walked in on them kissing 14 times. After the first dozen they just stopped caring and simply pretended not to notice me coming through the front door every night.

“Finally, we had a roommate council about it. All five of us told Ashley about our concerns and she promised to improve, until Mr. ‘Sides-shaved-but-long-on-top’ showed up with new flavors of Kisstix lip balm.”

Seeking help

For students wishing to express their frustrations in a spirit of unity and solidarity, a volunteer organization of affected roommates calling themselves “OurLivingRoomToo” meets every Saturday night in Provo. More information about times and locations can be found here. A Rexburg, Idaho, branch is rumored to form in the near future, once temperatures allow students to be outdoors in any form.

 


 

 

This article is satirical, it’s not true, though its premise is based off of a harsh reality for many BYU students. You know who you are.

Top 10 Fears Only Mormons Have

Tomorrow is Halloween. Ghosts and ghouls and the Boogeyman, oh my! In the spirit of the season, we at TSP sent out our top reporter with only one objective: What are Mormons really afraid of? The results *dramatic pause* may disturb you.

Our countdown starts with number ten:

10. Folding chairs

“If the brethren could please stay behind to help take down chairs, that would be great.”

Shocked Jim Carrey GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

9. Multi-level marketing Relief Society member

“Oh hey sister Tunacassarole, would you be interested in…”

Advertising Sticker GIF by WiperTags - Find & Share on GIPHY

8. When there’s extra time left after Sacrament Meeting and the bishop starts eyeballing people

Good luck, my friends.

https://giphy.com/gifs/les-miserables-look-down-26vIdP8q2e9VbjXbO

 

7. Repentance

That’s one scary costume…

Repentance t-shirt

6. Being asked to perform in the ward talent show

Danny Devito No GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

It’s not you, it’s me.

5. A table without a centerpiece

Worst nightmare.

Scared Horror GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

4. Sign-up sheet for anything

Interested Harvey Specter GIF by Suits - Find & Share on GIPHY

And then feeling bad for being selfish not giving more service.

3. A phone call from any member of the bishopric

You know exactly what’s coming.

https://giphy.com/gifs/the-ring-phone-call-l378ltza8uqM0oL6g

2. Sending a child on a mission to somewhere dangerous

Avoid internet searches of their areas.

Pass Out Kristen Wiig GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

1. And finally, occasionally not getting an email from that missionary on their designated P-Day

“That’s it, I’m calling the mission president.”

Ewan Mcgregor Fainting GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments.


 

 

15 Signs You’re Just There for the Refreshments

By Tarron Lane

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints seem to have a special affinity for feasting. Indeed, Mormons and refreshments go together like fingers and nostrils.

Interestingly enough, modern research suggests that an over-abundance of snacks and treats might be distracting some members from the subtler spiritual nourishment offered at church meetings. Here are 15 ways for you to determine if your appetite might be overshadowing the more spiritual motivations for participation in Church activities:

1. You lick your plate clean so you can get seconds without anyone realizing you already had firsts.

Hungry GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

2. The only reason you want to be a mother is so you can get those treats the Deacons give out after sacrament meeting on Mother’s Day.

Emily Roeske Cookie GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

3. You couldn’t focus on General Conference because you were too focused on how many cinnamon rolls you could get away with eating between sessions without attracting too much attention.

Roll Cinnamon GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

4. You frequently sneak into a different Sunday School class because you hear the teacher brought a treat.

Napoleon Dynamite Want GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

5. You show up to meetings that you weren’t invited to, because you were tipped off that there would be food.

Will Ferrell Elf GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

6. “Will there be food?” is the only questions you have when an activity is announced.

Hungry Jennifer Lawrence GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

7. You always sit closest to where the beginning of the line will start.

Comedy Central Season 6 Episode 7 GIF by Workaholics - Find & Share on GIPHY

8. You spent the youth dances always within a few feet of the platter of pizza bagels on the refreshments table.

Pizza GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

9. You have to deal with the Teachers quorum to let you “take care of” the unused sacrament bread after sacrament meeting.

Bread Lol GIF by LAZY MOM - Find & Share on GIPHY

10. Your tears during fast and testimony meeting are for the treats that you won’t be getting in Sunday School, because everyone will be fasting.

Saturday Night Live Gap Girls GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

11. During sacrament meeting you always sit behind that family that brings Cheerios for their kids so you can embezzle them when no one is watching.

Morning Cheerios GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

12. Between church meetings, you always pick the route to the next class that takes you past the kitchen just in case anything needs eating.

Seinfeld Eating GIF by HULU - Find & Share on GIPHY

13. You stick around until the after-meeting cleanup so that you can offer to help the meeting organizers by taking home the extra box of donuts or extra jug of chocolate milk.

Let Me Help You GIF by VH1 - Find & Share on GIPHY

14. The second plate you filled with goodies isn’t actually for your mother back at the table.

Lies GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

15. When your home teachers ask if there is anything they can do for you, the first thing that comes to mind is to ask them to bring cookies next time.

Iron Man Want GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.