Church Announces New Home Teaching ‘Rollover Visits’ Policy

SALT LAKE CITY – In an effort to encourage brethren to complete their Home Teaching, an official press release by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints confirms that a new ‘rollover visits’ policy is effective immediately.

Similar to ‘rollover minutes’ in many cell phone plans, ‘rollover visits’ allow Quorum members to accumulate visits completed within the same month and apply them to Home Teaching reports in future months.

For example, if Brother Smith were to visit his assigned members 12 times in January, he could report one hundred percent Home Teaching for the whole year, according to the policy change outlined in Handbook 2: Administering the Church, section 7.4.5.

Brother Smith would then be free to use his time for more important things, like watching football and harassing his wife about her abnormally large collections of small porcelain elephants.

While reactions from members have been mixed, Elders Quorum President Dale Granger says he’s embracing the change. 

“A lot of brethren just can’t seem to complete their Home Teaching,” he says. “I hear the same totally valid excuses every month: ‘I just had a lot going on this month.’ ‘Our schedules just didn’t match up.’ ‘Sorry dude I totally forgot [after remembering on 16 different occasions and doing nothing].’ Hopefully this policy encourages a change.”

In a subsequent press conference which you can watch here, the Church also primed the public for additional upcoming changes, including a detailed revision of what counts as a Home Teaching ‘visit’. Sources say the bar may be lowered all the way down to a “meaningful nod from across the chapel”.

 

---

 

All joking aside, check out this great talk about Home Teaching from 1997 by President Thomas S. Monson – he tells a cute story about starlings and the ethics of shooting them. You’ll like it.

YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

REXBURG, Idaho – Rexburg YSA 3,759th Ward Elders Quorum President Jake Hunt recently reorganized Home Teaching assignments, assigning himself to the three “most beautiful, eligible sisters in the ward,” sources say.

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it “contrived, selfish and just totally not cool”. President Hunt did not publicly address the Elders’ concerns but The Sunday Pews’ onsite affiliate was able to coordinate an exclusive interview. What follows is a transcript from that interview.

TSP: “President Hunt, some members of your quorum find it suspicious that the individual in charge of making Home Teaching assignments just happens to be assigned to teach the most eligible bachelorettes in the ward. How do you respond?”

President Hunt: “Yes, my counselors have mentioned these suspicions to me, and they’re completely baseless. There is no evidence to support that this assignment was not made through inspiration and I’m blown away by the thought that my own quorum members would suggest that this is some kind of shrewd yet highly sophisticated ploy to find an eternal companion. Laughable.”

TSP: “So you deny the allegations?”

President Hunt: “With every fiber of my being.”

TSP: “What process did you go through to come to your decision?”

President Hunt: “I did what every Elders Quorum President does. I found a quiet place to ponder over the ward menu- uh, directory, and just felt very strongly that I should be responsible for these specific totally average-looking sisters.”

TSP: “And what role did your counselors play in the decision-making process?”

President Hunt: “…Well they’re really busy, final exams are coming up and all, so I didn’t want to bother them with making these few assignment changes.”

TSP: “How many other assignment changes did you make?”

President Hunt: “Next question, please.”

TSP: “Who is your companion?”

President Hunt: “Don’t need one.”

TSP: “How old are you?”

President Hunt: “Twenty-seven.”

TSP: “You’re a student, correct? When do you graduate?”

President Hunt: “Correct. I graduate this coming month.”

TSP: “From which university?”

President Hunt: “BYU – Idaho.”

TSP: “And you claim that your new assignment has nothing to do with finding an eternal companion?”

President Hunt: “Nohoho *pained laugh*. I love being single. I’ve been single my whole life! It’s really my favorite thing to be. I mean, if one of these sisters became particularly charmed by the flowers and Old Spice scented cards I regularly leave them and fell madly in love with me… I mean, who am I to deny them? But that dream- eh, possibility, was never a factor in making this decision.”

[End of transcript]

 

President Hunt continued, saying the fact that his parents have been breathing down his neck about marriage for the past six years coupled with frequent comments about the likelihood of his younger brother marrying first have nothing to do with the decision.

 

 

 

---

We members are only human and sometimes we do ridiculous things, but the gospel is true. Learn more about it here.

YSA Break-the-Fast is Potato Bar Again, Members Stay Positive

OREM, Utah – For the third consecutive month this year the upcoming Nampa YSA 1st Ward Break-the-Fast will feature a lavish potato bar.

The event was announced in both the Elder’s Quorum and Relief Society on Sunday, and while members say responding with Christ-like gratitude is becoming more challenging they are trying to find the silver lining.

“At least it’ll give me the opportunity to do my Visiting Teaching,” one sister said.

“Potatoes, much like my ex-girlfriend, are a dime a dozen,” one extremely muscular brother said. “But these ones are free, so I guess I’ll be there.”

 

Despite stifled groans and critical whispers amongst the congregation after the initial announcement, ward leadership stands by the decision, asking members to see the bigger picture.

“At the end of the day it’s not about potatoes. It’s not about the sour cream or the side-salad or the watered down lemonade,” YSA 1st Ward Bishop Turner said. “It’s about getting young men and women together in the hopes that they’ll find an eternal companion and contribute to society.”

Man Who Never Reads Scriptures Tired of Lessons About Reading Scriptures

JACKSON, Wyo – Local Elder’s Quorum member, Nathaniel Bracks, who never reads his scriptures, is tired of lessons about scripture reading, sources say.

“It’s just the same thing every single week,” Nathaniel said Sunday. “Go to church, say your prayers, read your scriptures. Yeah, yeah, yeah WE KNOW. I know the blessings. I know the results of not reading too, but trust me, my testimony is tight like unto a fish.”

Bracks says scripture reading, which church leaders encourage members to do daily, is OK, but he’s “got better things to do.”

“By small and simple things doth nothing come to pass,” Bracks said. “You can quote me on that. Chapter 12 of … the big book, I think.”

Bracks occasionally fulfills his calling as 4th Sunday Gospel Doctrine Instructor and makes a concentrated effort to ensure that his lessons are unique, deep and original every time.

“We learn all sorts of edifying stuff,” Jenny McFarson, another member who doesn’t read her scriptures, said, “The nature of premortal intelligence, the age of Earth and sometimes there’s even time left for Cain-Sasquatch theory.”

 

UPDATE: Bishop Arnold Hales of the Jackosn 5th Ward reports that three weeks after the publication of the above article, Nathaniel Bracks and his 4th Sunday Gospel Doctrine class separated themselves from the Church and have begun their own congregation, calling themselves Kolobites.