YSA Elders Quorum President Inspired to Assign Himself to Home Teach Most Attractive Sisters

REXBURG, Idaho – Rexburg YSA 3,759th Ward Elders Quorum President Jake Hunt recently reorganized Home Teaching assignments, assigning himself to the three “most beautiful, eligible sisters in the ward,” sources say.

Backlash from the rest of the quorum has been severe. The Elders have denounced the decision, calling it “contrived, selfish and just totally not cool”. President Hunt did not publicly address the Elders’ concerns but The Sunday Pews’ onsite affiliate was able to coordinate an exclusive interview. What follows is a transcript from that interview.

TSP: “President Hunt, some members of your quorum find it suspicious that the individual in charge of making Home Teaching assignments just happens to be assigned to teach the most eligible bachelorettes in the ward. How do you respond?”

President Hunt: “Yes, my counselors have mentioned these suspicions to me, and they’re completely baseless. There is no evidence to support that this assignment was not made through inspiration and I’m blown away by the thought that my own quorum members would suggest that this is some kind of shrewd yet highly sophisticated ploy to find an eternal companion. Laughable.”

TSP: “So you deny the allegations?”

President Hunt: “With every fiber of my being.”

TSP: “What process did you go through to come to your decision?”

President Hunt: “I did what every Elders Quorum President does. I found a quiet place to ponder over the ward menu- uh, directory, and just felt very strongly that I should be responsible for these specific totally average-looking sisters.”

TSP: “And what role did your counselors play in the decision-making process?”

President Hunt: “…Well they’re really busy, final exams are coming up and all, so I didn’t want to bother them with making these few assignment changes.”

TSP: “How many other assignment changes did you make?”

President Hunt: “Next question, please.”

TSP: “Who is your companion?”

President Hunt: “Don’t need one.”

TSP: “How old are you?”

President Hunt: “Twenty-seven.”

TSP: “You’re a student, correct? When do you graduate?”

President Hunt: “Correct. I graduate this coming month.”

TSP: “From which university?”

President Hunt: “BYU – Idaho.”

TSP: “And you claim that your new assignment has nothing to do with finding an eternal companion?”

President Hunt: “Nohoho *pained laugh*. I love being single. I’ve been single my whole life! It’s really my favorite thing to be. I mean, if one of these sisters became particularly charmed by the flowers and Old Spice scented cards I regularly leave them and fell madly in love with me… I mean, who am I to deny them? But that dream- eh, possibility, was never a factor in making this decision.”

[End of transcript]

 

President Hunt continued, saying the fact that his parents have been breathing down his neck about marriage for the past six years coupled with frequent comments about the likelihood of his younger brother marrying first have nothing to do with the decision.

 

 

 

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We members are only human and sometimes we do ridiculous things, but the gospel is true. Learn more about it here.

Area Sister Fakes Death After Devastating Calling to be Girl’s Camp Director

 

BOISE, Idaho – After a comprehensive search of the greater Boise area that began almost two weeks ago, authorities say they have found 32-year-old Sister Rebecca Todd alive and well in an abandoned potato field.

Police say Sister Todd had been living in this rudimentary shelter next to the potato field where she was found.

Rebecca claims her new calling as Girl’s Camp Director was the driving force behind her behavior.

“I just felt trapped,” she said in a recent interview. “I was going to come back eventually, but until Camp was over people needed to believe I was dead.”

Rebecca’s husband, Jeremy, reported her missing on January 28th. “I woke up and found a trail of blood from our bedroom all the way to a mound of dirt at the cemetery,” he said. “I prepared myself for the worst.”

Authorities say the blood turned out to be Maraschino cherry syrup. They exhumed the grave, but found it empty. Jeremy says he became suspicious when he realized his wife’s disappearance occurred the day after their local bishop had asked her to accept a calling as Girl’s Camp Director.

Jeremy says his wife spent the evening before her disappearance in the fetal position, terrified at the prospect of planning, organizing and attending a week-long camp with more than one hundred adolescent young women.

“I tried to reassure her. I told her that if she could just survive until the testimony meeting at the end of the week it would all be worth it,” Jeremy says. “She told me to stop trying to ‘fix it’. She can be a bit dramatic.”

From a historic perspective, sisters from the Glennside 4th Ward say dramatic may be the most appropriate reaction.

According to the Ward Relief Society President, in 2014 Camp Director Agatha Sheen returned home after the event covered in mud and speaking in tongues.

In 2015, Director Theresa Gillman returned home four days early and still suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

In 2016, Director Stephanie Farr was immediately admitted into a psychiatric clinic the day after Girl’s Camp ended.

Gary Fielding serves as the Ward Bishop. In an interview we asked if he planned to extend the call to someone other than Sister Todd, considering the circumstances.

“She’ll be fine,” he said.

 

 

[In case you haven’t picked it up yet, this is a satirical article and is not true.]

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