Chorister Runs Out of Obscure Hymns for Sac. Mtg., Resorts to 1908 Hymnal

PENDLETON, Ore. – After 15 years of choosing the most obscure, melodically confusing and unsingable hymns for Sacrament Meeting, Sister Ruth Hedges, 64, has finally started choosing hymns from her grandmother’s 1908 hymnal, Songs of Zion.

“It was just time,” Sister Hedges said in a recent interview. “We needed something new, you know? We, and I speak on behalf of the entire Ward, just got tired of the same old stuff.”

Members of the Blue Mountain 3rd Ward now exclusively sing some of the least-well-known hymns known to man.

When staff from The Sunday Pews attempted to reach out to other members for their opinions concerning hymn choice, Sister Hedges cut in.

“Oh don’t ask them,” she said. “They’re so kind. They’ll choose the classics every time just to make my calling easier – they’re so thoughtful. No, I take it as a personal responsibility to make sure that every opportunity to sing is an opportunity to learn a completely new hymn.”

Members of the Blue Mountain 3rd Ward now enjoy vintage melodies such as Sometime We’ll Understand (No. 12), Waiting for the Reapers (No. 132) and Dark is the Human Mind, When Bound (No. 161).

To access a copy of Songs of Zion, click here.

To access a copy of the most current hymnal, click here.

Sources report that The First Presidency is compiling songs for a new hymnal, one of which you can exclusively preview here.

Area Sister Fakes Death After Devastating Calling to be Girl’s Camp Director

 

BOISE, Idaho – After a comprehensive search of the greater Boise area that began almost two weeks ago, authorities say they have found 32-year-old Sister Rebecca Todd alive and well in an abandoned potato field.

Police say Sister Todd had been living in this rudimentary shelter next to the potato field where she was found.

Rebecca claims her new calling as Girl’s Camp Director was the driving force behind her behavior.

“I just felt trapped,” she said in a recent interview. “I was going to come back eventually, but until Camp was over people needed to believe I was dead.”

Rebecca’s husband, Jeremy, reported her missing on January 28th. “I woke up and found a trail of blood from our bedroom all the way to a mound of dirt at the cemetery,” he said. “I prepared myself for the worst.”

Authorities say the blood turned out to be Maraschino cherry syrup. They exhumed the grave, but found it empty. Jeremy says he became suspicious when he realized his wife’s disappearance occurred the day after their local bishop had asked her to accept a calling as Girl’s Camp Director.

Jeremy says his wife spent the evening before her disappearance in the fetal position, terrified at the prospect of planning, organizing and attending a week-long camp with more than one hundred adolescent young women.

“I tried to reassure her. I told her that if she could just survive until the testimony meeting at the end of the week it would all be worth it,” Jeremy says. “She told me to stop trying to ‘fix it’. She can be a bit dramatic.”

From a historic perspective, sisters from the Glennside 4th Ward say dramatic may be the most appropriate reaction.

According to the Ward Relief Society President, in 2014 Camp Director Agatha Sheen returned home after the event covered in mud and speaking in tongues.

In 2015, Director Theresa Gillman returned home four days early and still suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome.

In 2016, Director Stephanie Farr was immediately admitted into a psychiatric clinic the day after Girl’s Camp ended.

Gary Fielding serves as the Ward Bishop. In an interview we asked if he planned to extend the call to someone other than Sister Todd, considering the circumstances.

“She’ll be fine,” he said.

 

 

[In case you haven’t picked it up yet, this is a satirical article and is not true.]

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Local Bishop Grateful to Self for Opportunity to Speak

SALT LAKE CITY – Bishop Tom H. Yertz, of the Salt Lake 1,342nd Ward, said Sunday that he was “grateful for the opportunity he gave himself to speak” to the congregation.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it is customarily the bishop’s responsibility to make sure speakers from the congregation are selected before Sunday meetings begin. Last Sunday the lot fell on Bishop Yertz himself.

Members say it is customary for speakers to choose between three standard talk-opening jokes. Bishop Yertz was no exception. “When I assigned myself to speak this week, I’m not going to lie, at first I really didn’t want to,” Bishop Yertz said in his talk.”In fact, I thought about taking a vacation this week just so I wouldn’t have to speak.”

“But as I began to prepare what I wanted to say to you today I realized that the person who most needs this talk is me,” he continued.

Sources say at this point Bishop Yertz looked over his shoulder, smiling towards where he usually sits. “I’m grateful for the opportunity I gave myself to speak today,” he said.

An anonymous ward member, whom we will call Kelly, was also grateful. “I’ve been in this ward for 16 years and have not been asked to speak once,” the source said. “Just keep your head down, keep the commandments, and get –,” at this point in the interview the source made eye contact with Brother Herbert, the First Counselor in the Ward, and fled the building.