Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

 

SCRANTON, Penn. – A local emeritus deacon’s quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Parents of 14-year-old Dustin Taylor deny the allegations, saying the accusations are groundless and “flippin’ ridiculous”.

Ward members disagree.

“What kind of 14-year-old casually uses the word ‘theologian’?” one ward member said. “Dustin couldn’t even pronounce it, and we’re supposed to believe he wrote it? I don’t think so.”

When The Sunday Pews confronted Brother and Sister Taylor about the unusually advanced diction, Brother Taylor responded:

“Yeah but did you hear how he ended the talk? He said, ‘I weawy weawy wove the gospow’. That’s obviously kid-level language and totally compensates for any advanced language you’d expect from a modern theologian,” he said.

Bishop Matthew Sandler is reviewing the case. Dustin, if found guilty, could face up to one mild-mannered warning to try not to forget next time.

The ward clerk has submitted several other suspicious phrases to the bishop as evidence, including:

“…subsequent diaspora…”

“…penultimate dispensation…”

and “…then say you love your parents a lot and eat this paper so no one will find it.”

 

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This satirical article will probably hit close to home for some parents, but isn’t it just amazing that kids as young as 12 years old teach entire congregations throughout this worldwide Church every week? That’s crazy awesome!

Congregation Forges Golden Calf After Lengthy High Priest Talk

LOGAN, Utah – Multiple sources report that members of the Logan 127th Ward pooled their metallic accessories and forged a golden calf over a blazing, pew-fed fire.

Members say they simply got tired of waiting for the High Priest to finish his talk.

“Look, we’ve done our waiting,” Jerry Sherman, a disgruntled, soot-covered member, said. “It was supposed to be seven to ten minutes long. SEVEN TO TEN MINUTES. Now look. Sunday School should have started 45 minutes ago. The Relief Society president is over there sharpening a spear.”

The ecclesiastical leader over the congregation, Bishop Rene Stocks, says this wasn’t the first time a meeting has turned out this way. “Yeah, this happened once before back when I was a kid. Strangely enough it involved the same High Priest,” he said.

Sunday meetings at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints generally include inspirational messages from pre-selected members, hymns and prayers. Members say fires and idol-building is usually kept to a minimum.

John Barnes was visiting the chapel this Sunday, invited by two LDS missionaries. “Everything started out great,” Barnes said, “but about 32 minutes into the man’s talk a sort of mania set in. The women began to tear out their hair. The men started ripping apart the pews. There was hysteric laughter. Then they all started taking off earrings, cufflinks, necklaces – anything metal – and they melted it before forming the calf.”

Barnes says he doesn’t plan on returning next week, but says the members’ artistry was “beyond its time”.

Local Bishop Grateful to Self for Opportunity to Speak

SALT LAKE CITY – Bishop Tom H. Yertz, of the Salt Lake 1,342nd Ward, said Sunday that he was “grateful for the opportunity he gave himself to speak” to the congregation.

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints it is customarily the bishop’s responsibility to make sure speakers from the congregation are selected before Sunday meetings begin. Last Sunday the lot fell on Bishop Yertz himself.

Members say it is customary for speakers to choose between three standard talk-opening jokes. Bishop Yertz was no exception. “When I assigned myself to speak this week, I’m not going to lie, at first I really didn’t want to,” Bishop Yertz said in his talk.”In fact, I thought about taking a vacation this week just so I wouldn’t have to speak.”

“But as I began to prepare what I wanted to say to you today I realized that the person who most needs this talk is me,” he continued.

Sources say at this point Bishop Yertz looked over his shoulder, smiling towards where he usually sits. “I’m grateful for the opportunity I gave myself to speak today,” he said.

An anonymous ward member, whom we will call Kelly, was also grateful. “I’ve been in this ward for 16 years and have not been asked to speak once,” the source said. “Just keep your head down, keep the commandments, and get –,” at this point in the interview the source made eye contact with Brother Herbert, the First Counselor in the Ward, and fled the building.