Latter-day Saint Super-Fans Tailgating General Conference Days in Advance

SALT LAKE CITY—Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from around the world gather every six months to hear inspiring messages from the religion’s leaders. The next “General Conference” is slated for next weekend, but anxious members are getting a jump on the festivities by tailgating right inside the Conference Center parking lot located just across from Salt Lake City’s historic Temple Square.

The Hill family and the George family, who are neighbors, are tailgating the event a full week in advance. They pass the time “taking Jello shots” and blasting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s greatest hits through their minivan sound systems.

“What else do we do? We talk about our favorite plays from the last conference and speculate about what the prophet might throw at us next week,” Brother George said, sporting dark argyle socks with a well-worn pair of sandals. “President Nelson is the heart and soul of this team. I mean, retiring the Home Teaching program six months ago was just a masterstroke, real Hall of Fame type stuff. I’ve always been a fan of the Church, but it’s that kind of stuff that gets me off the couch and hollering at the TV. I love it.”

Brother Hill, who became a fan of the Church back in 2014 after reading and praying about The Book of Mormon, predicts that the next six-month season is going to be rewarding for fans worldwide. “We’ve got a great 15-man team put together this season who just seem to be reinventing the game. The coach has really been mixing things up lately and the team just executes exceptionally well,” he said, cracking open a caffeinated Root Beer from a well-stocked cooler. “If they get out there and give it their all, leave it all at the pulpit, playing it one talk at a time, I think we’re going to witness some really great stuff out there this weekend.”

But the Hills and Georges are far from the only people to be exhibiting behavior some more conservative members may consider unorthodox. Hundreds of individuals and families pack the Conference Center grounds and parking lots, waiting for the conference to begin. Many already half-dressed in their “Sunday best.”

One man, Brother Hanson, says he tailgates by day, but starting Monday night he’s planning on setting up camp, literally, outside the Conference Center entrance. “Rumor has it that this is going to be a historic conference,” he said, “and I want to make sure I get a good seat.”

When our TSP on-site reporter met Brother Hanson, he was basking over a propane grill, cooking funeral potatoes, wearing nothing but black slacks and the letters “CTR” painted on his chest. “Yeah, I guess you could call me a super-fan,” Hanson said. “Potatoes?”

General Conference for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints kicks off on Saturday, October 6, at 10 AM, MDT.

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For those that need to be told, this article is satirical. Nobody is tailgating General Conference … yet.

 

 

Photo via Flickr user “Wayne Hsieh.”

 

Drowsy Brother Leaves Sac. Mtg. Unaware of Nap-Induced Red Indent Across Forehead

TWIN FALLS, Idaho—According to witnesses, 31-year-old brother Jordan Schmidt of Hillcrest 3rd Ward groggily left Sunday’s sacrament meeting sporting a bright red indent across his forehead. Brother Schmidt allegedly continued through the next hour of Sunday School completely unaware of the blatant evidence of his sacramental napping.

Earlier today a Sunday Pews representative sat down with former High Priest Group Leader and expert on intra-sacramental somnolence, brother Harold Stevens, to learn the origin story of marks like these.

“Individuals belonging to wards whose sacrament meetings begin early in the morning or in the midafternoon, as well as individuals who qualify for age-related discount menus at local restaurants, are especially susceptible to the classic pew mark,” he said. “When an overwhelming wave of sleepiness or boredom comes upon an individual in sacrament meeting, they will often rest their foreheads against the top of the pew in front of them. If the individual falls asleep in this position, the pressure of the pew naturally leaves a bright red indentation.”

Sister Barbara Sorenson, who delivered a 23-minute-long message in the meeting, noticed brother Schmidt’s mark soon after the invocation. “I’m an English literature teacher at the high school. We just went over The Scarlet Letter, a story about a woman forced to wear a scarlet badge as public evidence of the mistakes she’d made. It reminded me a lot of brother Schmidt, except he wore his scarlet letter on his forehead, and had no idea,” she said.

Another speaker, 16-year-old brother Daniel Forester, didn’t take the mark too seriously. “When I noticed it I sort of smiled and asked Jordan what he thought about what I had said about Lehi’s Dream in my talk,” he said. “Apparently it was his favorite part of the meeting—he said he’d never looked at that chapter that way before. …My talk was not about Lehi’s Dream.”

Despite knowing snickers from onlookers, brother Schmidt reportedly continued attending his Sunday meetings until the mark, the evidence of his premature Sunday nap, finally faded.

“It was a forgivable rookie mistake,” brother Stevens said. “Luckily he’ll never even know he committed it … unless he reads this. Everyone knows you’ve got to use the Hymnal to act as a buffer between your forehead and the blunt edge of the pew. That’s the only way to avoid the incriminating mark.”

 

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This article is satirical, though I’m pretty sure we’ve all been guilty of naps during church once or twice. Thankfully, as President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said back in 2017, “Church sleep is among the healthiest of all sleeps.”

‘Uh Sorry, Where Are We?’ Says Brother in Gospel Doctrine When Asked to Read

NEPHI, Utah—An 11-readers-long scripture snake was abruptly halted today after one brother was caught “off-guard” when it came to his turn to read.

Sources seated behind the man report that while he was attempting to give off the impression that he was diligently following along, he was actually scrolling through funny cat memes.

When confronted by The Sunday Pews about his lack of preparation to read, the man claimed his Gospel Library app simply crashed. When confronted with the information from the witnesses, his story changed and he admitted to the aforementioned meme browsing.

Experts agree that cat memery is one of the leading causes of distraction at church.

Emeritus third Sunday Gospel Doctrine teacher Stanley Wilkinson says it’s a sad case he’s seen all too often over his five years of on-and-off experience.

“Frankly I don’t understand it. The teacher clearly says ‘OK let’s just read one verse at a time and snake around the room like this’ *insert curvy hand gesture*. This guy today watched eleven other people read before it was his turn and somehow he wasn’t prepared,” Wilkinson said. “Cat memes or not, there’s simply no excuse for it.”

Brigham Young University professor and expert on sociosundayschool dynamics Frederick Hans says that since the rise of smartphones back in the 2010s, lack of participatory awareness has increased by 79-percent in the United States.

“It’s a growing epidemic in the Church,” Hans said, “and obviously one of Satan’s more subtle tactics. The flaxen cord of cat memery is not only addictive, but contagious. It’s a slippery slope, and one that threatens to stagnate Gospel Doctrine classes worldwide. In time, faithful members may be forced to find other means of spiritual nourishment, like the Family History class. And let’s be honest, nobody wants to end up there.”

 

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This article is just satire, but seriously, distracting cell phone usage is a problem in Sunday School. I’m as guilty as any other members, but let’s all just try a little harder next week to pay a little more attention. #Blessed.

Sac. Mtg. Speaker Tests Bishop’s Patience With Slew of Alternative Swear Words

 

PRESTON, Idaho — “I read the fetchin’ Book of Mormon, and dang it all to heck, it’s freakin’ true.”

Sources say that’s how 25-year-old Damien Johnson started his talk on Sunday. What followed were, in Bishop Jared Flenderson’s words, “a very uncomfortable seven to ten minutes”.

Members say Johnson peppered his entire message with various nearly-offensive terms, including several fetches, hecks and one rather exclamatory Nicolas Cage.

“You just never know who will get offended,” Bishop Flenderson said. “I thought about asking him to stop using such crude language, but I was afraid that in doing so I would offend more people by setting the precedent that those are inappropriate words. I was caught between a rock and a catch-22.”

Newly ordained Deacon, David Stints, serves in the ward as that kid who sits vigilantly by the bishop to occasionally pass notes to people and stuff, and says the tension in the chapel was “as thick as Brother Rudemacher’s back hair.”

“As assistant to the bishop, I’ve already counseled him several times to install a trapdoor under the pulpit for situations just like these,” he said.

Despite the mounting pressure to intervene, Bishop Flenderson refrained from cutting the talk short.

Johnson’s mother, Sister Gina Johnson, says Damien has a history of testing boundaries.

“Years ago after a Primary lesson about the Word of Wisdom he went out and bought a bunch of coffee-flavored jellybeans. He drinks Red Bull all the time. He earned his Eagle Scout the day before he turned 18,” she said. “His father and I were hoping it was just a phase.”

In an attempt to ease the tension after the meeting with humor, sources say Bishop Flenderson’s counselor, who was conducting the meeting, concluded by saying, “We’d like to thank those that spoke today. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all had one [H-E-double-hockey-sticks] of a spiritual feast.”

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Hopefully by now you’re realized that this article is completely satirical. On the bright side, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not and it’s available to you no matter how colorful your vocabulary might be.

Parents Accused of Quickly Writing Forgetful Son’s Talk Early Sunday Morning

 

SCRANTON, Penn. – A local emeritus deacon’s quorum president is accused of having forgotten his assignment to speak in church today, allegedly resulting in a quickly written talk by one of his parents this morning, sources say.

Parents of 14-year-old Dustin Taylor deny the allegations, saying the accusations are groundless and “flippin’ ridiculous”.

Ward members disagree.

“What kind of 14-year-old casually uses the word ‘theologian’?” one ward member said. “Dustin couldn’t even pronounce it, and we’re supposed to believe he wrote it? I don’t think so.”

When The Sunday Pews confronted Brother and Sister Taylor about the unusually advanced diction, Brother Taylor responded:

“Yeah but did you hear how he ended the talk? He said, ‘I weawy weawy wove the gospow’. That’s obviously kid-level language and totally compensates for any advanced language you’d expect from a modern theologian,” he said.

Bishop Matthew Sandler is reviewing the case. Dustin, if found guilty, could face up to one mild-mannered warning to try not to forget next time.

The ward clerk has submitted several other suspicious phrases to the bishop as evidence, including:

“…subsequent diaspora…”

“…penultimate dispensation…”

and “…then say you love your parents a lot and eat this paper so no one will find it.”

 

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This satirical article will probably hit close to home for some parents, but isn’t it just amazing that kids as young as 12 years old teach entire congregations throughout this worldwide Church every week? That’s crazy awesome!

Local Brother “Wasn’t Planning on Bearing His Testimony Today”

BLUFFDALE, Utah – A local brother was the subject of several eye-rolls Sunday after claiming he “wasn’t planning on bearing his testimony,” but subsequently did, sources say.

While members agree that it’s not their place to judge, they say their exasperation fell under the category of righteous judgement as the brother read the words “I wasn’t planning on bearing my testimony today” from a printed sheet of paper he took from his pocket at the pulpit.

The testimony a local brother wasn’t planning on bearing (above).

The brother, who has a history of commenting every 15 seconds in Sunday School, continued his testimony with a ten-minute impressively detailed “impromptu” allegory regarding the spiritual significance of mold.

Sources say the brother even took two blocks of cheese out of his jacket pockets, one fresh and one moldy, to illustrate his point to the congregation.

Members say that curious smiles from the bishopric prompted the brother to nonchalantly explain that he “always carries cheese in his jacket”.

The brother reportedly closed his remarks with a brief travelogue, thankimony and uncomfortably detailed description of a recent rash.

 

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This article is just satire, but remember that sharing your testimony with others is essential to your spiritual health. There’s nothing wrong with sharing it regularly (in fact, you should) as long as it’s sincere. Don’t let your testimony become moldy.

Elderly Sister Completely Unaware that her Flatulence is 100% Audible

 

WEST JORDAN, Utah – Sister Martha Keys, 78, of Kennecott Ward is completely unaware that her supposed “discreet” flatulence is actually one hundred percent audible to all within a 20-foot radius of her rear, sources say.

According to leading gluteologists, the phenomenon is not an isolated incident. Senior citizens everywhere are at risk, but some members opine that the flatulence is particularly noticeable and odorous when it is passed during reverent Sunday meetings.

Members report that Sister Keys will frequently, but nonchalantly lean about 15 degrees to her right while seated in her pew and carefully emit a gentle yet fully audible air biscuit – sometimes two. She then appears to pretend that nothing happened.

“You can hear it from the pulpit,” Kennecott Ward Bishop Hank Freeman says. “Sometimes it even startles the speakers and they stumble over their words for a moment. It’s something that needs to be addressed.”

Some members speculate that Sister Keys is aware of her not-so-silent-but-still-deadly deeds but, given her advanced age, simply does not care. Those claims are, of course, speculative.

Brother Neil Harrison serves as the Ward Mission Leader and says the indiscretion poses a threat not only to nostrils ward-wide, but to missionary labor in the area as well.

“We just have to be vigilant,” Harrison told The Sunday Pews. “We have to be aware of where Sister Keys is sitting so we know where and where not to let investigators sit. The last thing we want is for someone’s first impression of the church to include a one-way trip through Sister Keys’ backdoor breeze.”

Sister Cassandra Hutchens is Sister Keys’ Relief Society President, Visiting Teacher and sits behind her during Sacrament Meeting. “What Sister Keys needs is love and inclusion,” she said. “What she doesn’t need is a bunch of deacons and high priests whispering behind her back, using inappropriate terms like the vapor caper, pucker chuckle and even Satan’s bugle.”

Ward leadership is turning to the public for advice on the best way to approach the subject in an upcoming interview scheduled with Sister Keys. Please leave your thoughts in the comments section.

 

A Hungry Brother Goes Searching for Loose Cheerios in the Pews – You Won’t Believe What Happens Next

LONDON – Brother Harold Frederick forgot to eat breakfast before church meetings on Sunday. So, like any self-respecting 40-year-old does, he began to scour the pews for the half-eaten cheerios graciously left between the cushions by the ward’s regular nursery attendees.

But as Brother Frederick’s hunger refused to be sated and he continued to dig into the cushioned crevasse he had no idea that his life would be changed forever.

Brother Frederick told The Sunday Pews of his experience in an exclusive interview. What follows are his unedited words:

“I found several cheerios right off the bat. I had to pick a few hairs off of some of them but other than that they were quality, generic cheerios.

But, this week I wanted more. So I dug a little deeper. I realized that there was more space between the cushions than I had originally thought. The cushions don’t meet seamlessly, they bottleneck. Once I squeezed my arm past the chokepoint I was finding Fruit Loops, Gummy Bears and even Teddy Grahams.

At this point my entire left arm was down inside the pew! It was incredible. And I kept going.

I managed to fit my head in next. Deeper into the pew I could see even larger treasures. There were old cell phones, jewelry and the biggest pile of binkies you’ve ever seen.

Then I fell completely in. I fell several feet. The only light came from above, emanating from the slit between the cushions from which I had fallen. When I stood up and was able to orient myself, I found myself standing in front of a large wardrobe.

 

I opened it, only to find it full of thick fur coats, but I was met by a brisk breeze from the back of the wardrobe. As I pushed past the coats suddenly I found myself walking on snow. The coats gave way to tree branches – a forest – and a lamp post.”

Sources say Brother Frederick emerged from the pews in time for Sunday School, but he claims to have been within them for several hours.

Amongst other things, Brother Frederick also claims to have found his lost ChapStick, garage door opener, and the 116 lost pages of The Book of Mormon.

What he claims to have seen has yet to be verified by the mouth of two or three witnesses.

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Local Brother Just Reads Autobiography to Congregation During Testimony Mtg.

SAINT GEORGE, Utah – Brother Dennis Miller, 48, of the Casablanca 1^st Ward dropped all pretense during Sunday’s testimony meeting and simply started reading from his 953-page self-published autobiography.

Bishop Ray Green says he felt obligated to pay attention and that Brother Miller really did start from the very beginning – what some Austrian governesses would call a very good place to start.

“When I was a fetus,” Brother Miller began, “I would regularly kick my mother in the lung. I guess you could say that from a young age I took her breath away.”

Sources report that Brother Miller continued his testimony, reading the description of almost every facet of his life with Tolkien-like detail. Some descriptions were particularly lengthy, such as his comprehensive genealogical record or the mole on his back that resembles the state of Arkansas.

“It was … uncomfortable,” one member said after the meeting. “There are now things I know about Brother Miller that I had no desire to know. Things I’d like to forget. Things I’ll unfortunately never be able to forget.”

Amongst the many life stories Brother Miller shouldn’t have told, the most impactful were stories of shocking past transgressions that Brother Miller is now somehow able to simply laugh off.

After 57 minutes and five ignored notes from the bishop, Brother Miller concluded, promising to continue on to chapter two next month.

Brother Miller’s autobiography is for sale and can be purchased here.