SAINT GEORGE, Utah – Brother Dennis Miller, 48, of the Casablanca 1st Ward dropped all pretense during Sunday’s testimony meeting and simply started reading from his 953-page self-published autobiography.
Bishop Ray Green says he felt obligated to pay attention and that Brother Miller really did start from the very beginning – what some Austrian governesses would call a very good place to start.
“When I was a fetus,” Brother Miller began, “I would regularly kick my mother in the lung. I guess you could say that from a young age I took her breath away.”
Sources report that Brother Miller continued his testimony, reading the description of almost every facet of his life with Tolkien-like detail. Some descriptions were particularly lengthy, such as his comprehensive genealogical record or the mole on his back that resembles the state of Arkansas.
“It was … uncomfortable,” one member said after the meeting. “There are now things I know about Brother Miller that I had no desire to know. Things I’d like to forget. Things I’ll unfortunately never be able to forget.”
Amongst the many life stories Brother Miller shouldn’t have told, the most impactful were stories of shocking past transgressions that Brother Miller is now somehow able to simply laugh off.
After 57 minutes and five ignored notes from the bishop, Brother Miller concluded, promising to continue on to chapter two next month.
Brother Miller’s autobiography is for sale and can be purchased here.
The Sunday Pews 