73 Things Still Less Awkward Than a YSA Bishopric’s Chastity Lesson

Every six months or so (I try not to keep track), Young Single Adult bishoprics everywhere review the semantics of the Law of Chastity with their congregations. The LoC is a smart, necessary commandment, but if bishoprics don’t handle the topic well … it can get pretty awkward.

“How awkward?” you ask. Well, for a little perspective, here are 73 things that are less awkward than the average YSA bishopric’s attempt to teach a room full of hormonal young Mormons about chastity:

1. Not having a centerpiece for your Relief Society lesson.

2. That couple giving each other back rubs during church.

3. When you try to high-five someone but they don’t notice.

https://giphy.com/gifs/fail-awkward-fox-sports-uIeAJ5LVIQ5ji

4. Sneezing while you urinate (applicable for guys only—don’t think too hard about this).

5. That moment when you’re waiting to cross the street but you’re not sure if the passing car is slowing down or not…

6. Trying to be funny in a different language.

7. People finding out you haven’t seen Star Wars.

8. Stake dances.

9. Ugly toes.

10. Giving someone a drink from a cup with something stuck on the bottom.

11. The mysterious stew in dishes that have been sitting in the sink for two weeks.

12. Shoulder hair.

13. Twilight

14. Twilight: New Moon

15. Twilight: Eclipse

16. Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 1)

17. Twilight: Breaking Dawn (Part 2)

18. When you realize that you or a loved one has been diagnosed with Mesothelioma you could have been eligible to receive financial compensation.

19. Finding potatoes in your cupboard that have been there for months and have started their own colony.

20. When you wave at someone in public but they don’t wave back.

21. Getting your card declined at the register.

22. Uncle Rico.

23. When a roommate destroys the bathroom but you’re not sure which one it was so you ask them weird questions like, “so how have you been feeling lately?”

24. Forgetting to invite your parents to your wedding.

25. When something simple goes wrong with your car but you know nothing about cars.

https://giphy.com/gifs/movie-film-car-g4uXZoqKKwexG

26. Trying to do a British accent but ending up sounding Australian.

27. Accidentally walking straight towards someone and then you both awkwardly dodge back and forth in the same direction.

28. Going in for your first kiss and getting rejected.

29. Going in for your first kiss and not getting rejected.

30. Not recognizing the Fresh Prince theme song.

31. Running into an ex in public.

32. Ripping your pants in public

33. When your parents tell your friends their favorite embarrassing story about you.

34. Asking a girl out and finding out she’s engaged.

35. When you’re in Sunday School and you raise your hand, start talking, but the teacher was calling on the person who raised their hand behind you.

36. Choking on your spit.

37. Tripping on nothing.

38. Singing the wrong lyrics for years.

39. Texting the wrong person.

40. When some embarrassing photos of you end up on the internet.

41. Wetting the bed during a sleep-over.

42. Wetting the bed at all.

43. Passing “fumes” in public.

44. When someone walks in on you in the bathroom.

45. When you recognize someone in public and start talking to them but then realize they aren’t who you thought they were.

46. Realizing you wore your shirt backwards the entire day.

47. When you need to XYZ.

48. When you don’t know what XYZ means.

49. Sending the post-date text to the wrong person.

50. When a new acquaintance gets way too personal way too fast.

51. Falling asleep in Seminary.

52. When you’re under/over-dressed for the occasion.

53. When you’re getting dressed and realize the blinds are wide open.

54. When you thought you were using two-ply until…

55. When someone calls you by name but you can’t remember theirs.

56. When you’re not sure whether to give a handshake or a hug.

57. Clogging someone else’s toilet.

58. Realizing at the end of the day there’s something stuck in your teeth.

59. Realizing at the end of the day there’s something stuck in your nose.

60. Putting a soda in the freezer to cool it down super-fast but then forgetting about it until it expands and leaks all over the place.

61. Making an instructional YouTube video and messing up whatever you’re supposed to be an expert on.

62. Asking a large woman how far along she is.

63. Having to ask your kids how to copy/paste.

64. Catching someone picking their nose in the car next to you and then making eye contact.

65. Talking smack and then getting beat.

66. Reaching for the last turkey at the same time as someone else the day before Thanksgiving.

67. Accidentally ‘Liking’ the picture from 9 months ago of the person you were stalking on Instagram.

68. Ending an important speech with “In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

69. Thinking someone is joking when they’re dead serious.

70. When they give you your food at Chick Fil A and say, “Enjoy!” and you respond with, “You too!”

71. When you end a random telephone conversation with “OK love you, bye.”

72. Falling asleep in Sacrament Meeting.

73. Falling asleep in Sacrament Meeting when you’re the bishop.

 

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The Law of Chastity is a great thing that blesses lives worldwide. It helps keep marriages together and makes them stronger. It needs to be taught sensitively, smartly and boldly. In the words of Brother Mayer, just “Say what you need to say.”

 

Contributer: Kody Duncan

All gifs via Giphy.com

 

Bishop Silences His Irreverent Kids With Intense Smile From the Stand

PRICE, Utah – To the general membership of Clearwater 1st Ward, Bishop Charles Stanley is all smiles – but when his kids are misbehaving during Sacrament Meeting that Mona Lisa smile takes on a double-meaning that is not to be ignored.

“Last Sunday my seven-year-old kept licking his little sister’s face during Sacrament Meeting,” Bishop Stanley’s wife, Debra, said, “until he saw Dad staring him down from the stand. To everyone else in the ward he’s just got a loving smile, but if you look closely you can see his jaw muscles flexing. That’s a dead giveaway.”

Sister Stanley says years of close contact with her husband has provided her and her children with the skills necessary to interpret his surprisingly communicative glances.

“A thin smile with eyes slightly wider than usual means something like, ‘don’t make me come down there’,” she said, “relaxed eyes and a half-smile mean, ‘you just wait until we get home’ and a full-on frown is usually just his irritable bowel acting up.”

Bishop Stanley describes his ability as “far from unique.”

“It’s not just me,” he said. “Almost any father who spends each Sunday on the stand learns how to communicate with his family in a similar way. Bishoprics, Stake Presidencies – even the Ward Clerk. It’s almost like speaking in tongues, minus the tongues. It’s simply part of our authoritative mantle.”

 

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Bishops are fantastic. If you haven’t seen this talk by President Gordon B. Hinckley from 1988 about bishops in the Church, check it out. And let’s be honest, you haven’t seen it.

Bishop Calls for Pew to be Cut in Two After Sac. Mtg. Territory Dispute

DETROIT – Two families from the local Latter-day Saint congregation clashed Sunday, both claiming that the fourth row on the left side of the chapel was “their pew,” sources say.

The Edmondson family claims to have occupied the pew in question every Sunday since 1953. “It’s been passed down through generations in my family. It’s ours. Everybody in the ward knows it,” Paul Edmondson, 71, said.

The Harrison family disagrees, alleging that the Edmondson family has a history of Alzheimers and in fact usually sit in the fourth row on the right side of the chapel every week. “It’s an honest mistake, but one that our family cannot tolerate,” Steve Harrison, 67, said.

Members say the bishop, Carl Hughes, intervened when the situation began to escalate. Bishop Hughes approached the pulpit and asked the Executive Secretary to fetch a chainsaw and cut the pew in half, leaving one half with each family, sources say.

Just before the pew was to be cut, members report that Sister Sheila Harrison, 62, threw herself on the cushioned bench and begged Bishop Hughes to spare the pew and to let the Edmondson family sit there.

 

 

[Contributor credit: Rich Hunter]